Why do some relationships end ever so quickly at the slightest unhappiness? Yet, there are those who withstand time and tide, against all odds, stay deeply in love regardless of time.
Is it the willingness to try new things together? Is it those little never-ending squabbles that brings people closer? Is it the acceptance of each other's quirks through the years? Whilst we think it is, these aren't the only indications.
For couples still in their early years, it can be rather intimidating. Wanting to walk through life together for a whole lifetime is certainly not an easy feat. Surely, it's not tolerance which is very different from acceptance. After all, every person has limitations to tolerance. How do couples recover from the unsettling moments?
The Chinese have a saying believing that a fight starts at the bed head and ends at the foot. For couples attempting to reconcile or add a sense of novelty which Business Insider mentions, sexy lingerie often offer the sparkly flickers needed or lends a hand for quicker reconcilation. Of course, sex isn't everything. It isn't a band-aid and should not be treated as one. Instead, it is a liberating and almost noble session of the combination of the two hearts that makes it saintly.
What are your thoughts on it? Do you want to share your experiences too. Share yours here in the comments below.
You think about your partner often when you’re not together.
- Timur Emek / Stringer / Getty Images
In 2007, Stonybrook University researchers randomly dialed hundreds of adults and asked the nearly 300 who were married a series of questions about their relationships and how in love they felt.
Results showed that certain relationship characteristics were linked to stronger feelings of love. One especially interesting finding: The more often people reported thinking about their partner when they were apart, the more in love they felt.
The same study included a follow-up experiment with nearly 400 married New Yorkers, which found that difficulty concentrating on other things while you’re thinking about your partner is also linked to strong feelings of love – especially for men.
You respond positively to each other’s good news.
- REUTERS/Mario Anzuoni
A Psychology Today blog post breaks down four ways a man could respond after his partner tells him about a promotion at work:
• An active-constructive response from him would be enthusiastic support: “That’s great, honey! I knew you could do it, you’ve been working so hard.”
• A passive-constructive response would be understated support – a warm smile and a simple “That’s good news.”
• An active-destructive response would be a statement that demeaned the event: “Does this mean you are going to be working even longer hours now? Are you sure you can handle it?”
• Finally, a passive-destructive response would virtually ignore the good news: “Oh, really? Well you won’t believe what happened to me on the drive home today!”
Perhaps unsurprisingly, the response that’s most closely linked to relationship satisfaction is the active-constructive response.
You spend some time apart.
- Tyler Olson/Shutterstock
Over the past few decades, we’ve started placing increasing demands on our spouses. As Business Insider’s Jessica Orwig reported, no longer do we expect them to be financial partners, protectors, and companions – now we also want them to provide personal fulfillment.
The psychologist who produced some of these findings, Eli Finkel, suggests that if you want to be happy in your marriage, it’s best not to look to your partner for all your existential needs. Finkel recommends finding yourself in hobbies, friends, and work.
You have a similar sense of humor.
Neil Clark Warren, psychologist and founder of dating site eHarmony, previously told Business Insider that humor can be a “social lubricant” in a romantic relationship.
Business Insider’s Erin Brodwin has reported that having a “private language” with your partner – like nicknames and jokes that no one else would get – can help facilitate bonding and often predicts relationship satisfaction.
You split chores evenly.
In one poll, 56% of married Americans said sharing household chores is “very important” to a successful marriage – that’s more than the percentage who said having adequate income was very important. Chore-sharing seems to be especially meaningful to younger couples, with 67 percent of 18- to 29-year-old married adults calling it “very important” to a successful marriage.
But while men are doing more housework than they were in years past, research has found that women still pick up most of the slack.
You try new things together.
In classic research led by relationship expert Art Aron in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, researchers looked at the relationship quality of more than 50 middle-aged married couples and assigned them to one of three groups.
One group picked new and exciting activities to do together for 90 minutes a week – like going to a play or dancing. Another group spent 90 minutes a week doing pleasant but routine activities together – like going to a movie. The last group wasn’t asked to change anything.
After 10 weeks, the researchers reassessed the couples’ relationship quality and found that those who had tried new and exciting things were the most satisfied.
“Dr. Aron cautions that novelty alone is probably not enough to save a marriage in crisis. But for couples who have a reasonably good but slightly dull relationship, novelty may help reignite old sparks.”
You don’t have a lot of extreme downturns in your relationship.
Researchers from the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign and the Pennsylvania State University at Harrisburg looked at nearly 400 dating couples. They used their feedback about their relationships to identify four patterns of commitment: dramatic, conflict-ridden, socially involved, and partner-focused.
As psychologist and relationships expert Gary Lewandowski explains, dramatic couples showed a lot of fluctuation in their commitment to their partners over time.
Partner-focused couples saw their partners positively and mostly experienced fluctuations in commitment when they couldn’t spend as much time together.
Socially involved couples usually experienced fluctuations when their friends and family changed what they thought of the relationship.
Finally, conflict-ridden couples fought often and had a lot of mini-fluctuations in their level of commitment.
As it turns out, partner-focused couples were most likely to get more serious in their relationship, and dramatic couples were most likely to break up.
You know how to recover from a fight.
- Getty Images
Psychologist and relationship expert John Gottman previously told Business Insider that the No. 1 shared trait among successful relationships is being able to repair the bond after a fight.
It’s not about not having conflict at all – instead, it’s about the way you approach it. Gottman told Business Insider:
“The thing that all really good marriages and love relationships have in common is that they communicate to their partner a model that when you’re upset, I listen.
“The world stops, and I listen. And we repair things. We don’t let things go. We don’t leave one another in pain. We talk about it, and we repair.”